So I am what some might call a movie snob, my husband included… I am over critical and do not give enough credit where credit is due apparently… I disagree, of course, but hey, it’s a free country…

Anyway, I watched Robot last week. The week before that I watched a DVD of Iron Man 2(already having seen it the first time on the big screen, naturally). Currently, I am watching Matrix Reloaded for the ‘N’th time. The second and third were out of choice. The first was in order to give my husband company, knowing fully well that I’d want him to come along next month for the seventh instalment of the Harry Potter movies.

Also, I was kinda curious… After all, how many movies lead to a million jokes in honour of the protagonist within a few hours of it releasing? Do I sound like I’m making excuses for having been spotted inside the auditorium screening the movie? Of course I’m not!

So I watched the film. It’s about a dedicated scientist who has spent a round figure of 10 years trying to develop a robot that can walk, talk and eventually emote like a human being. His age is undetermined and honestly, I have no idea what he is called either. He lives in a fancy house and his mom seems to think that the name Chitti is cool for the robot. Umnn, it is not.

All the names are South India-inspired and sound warped in the context of a Hindi movie. Same goes for all the dialogue and the songs. While the dialogue is mindless at times, the songs are more like sounds. Audible, unintelligible sounds in beautiful locations with exotic animals in the background. In fact I think some of the headgear sported by the ladies also involved animals in some way. Hmmn…

Anyway, the scientist also has a girlfriend who seems concerned about some ‘final exam’. I think she wants to be an Obstetrician. It’s a shame that after all these years of movie-making, the hero has reached a stage where he is a scientist who can create a robot that can create clones that are eventually destroyed by the scientist. The heroine however, is still a college going belle, who must be interested in social causes, show off her midriff and gyrate violently to lure all and sundry. She must express shyness when asked to ‘return kisses’ by her smart ass boyfriend but be a total tease when doling them out to robots who’ve newly entered her retarded world. Naturally, she has to be pursued by a bunch of ugly morons who try to take advantage of her. And even if they’re not interested, she will walk up to one of these ugly morons in high heels and Prada eyewear and put her meaty arms around one of them, asking for trouble. What’s more upsetting? That this character is played by one of the most accomplished women in India and one of our most respected international faces, Aishwarya Rai.

It might be argued that the way women are treated in the movies is inspired by the stories that form a part of life’s ugly realities. But I beg to differ. Unless we unleash a plethora of characters that challenge the way things are in Indian society, how will they change? And that goes for women in the movies as well as TV serials. It’s like a vicious cycle of regressive living being provided affirmation by the starry alternate world of the talkies and television. If the reel world encourages it, how will the real world ever get of it.

Going back to the movie… I did like a few parts. Doesn’t say much about a 3 hour long show but I guess the portion before the end was interesting, where the multiple clones the robot creates of himself mould into one another to form several geometric shapes and then this giant male eventually. C-O-O-L.

I also liked Danny in the film. He oozes sexuality, not to mention elegance and basically all-round awesomeness! It was sort of strange to see him disappear in such an inglorious manner toward the end of the film. But it just reaffirmed my notion that the movie was centred around the main protagonist. Everything and everyone else was either collateral or an accessory. Yes, that includes you too Ash.

So what we get to see is a convoluted mess of American superhero movies like the Iron Man and Matrix series (hence the mention at the beginning) coming together to create a Rajnikant masterpiece for his crazed fans. Hundreds and hundreds of their star God packed into a single film… In a country where heroes and heroines are prioritized in general over content and art, this truly is a one of a kind film. To me, it lacks engaging dialogue and intelligent story telling. So sue me! But before that, take a look at the scene featuring the talking mosquitoes. Can someone please explain its relevance to me? Was there no other way for the damn script writers to get the chic to give the robot a tiny little peck on the cheek?

All in all, a giant leap for Rajnikant, a small step forward for Indian cinema. Dot.

Hurray for Hollywood!!!

Summer is here. And while that means scorching heat, humidity enough to bathe in, bad moods, worse allergies and an assortment of virals where I come from, it has special significance in that place called Hollywood...

Summer is when the stars come out to play... Superheroes jostle arch enemies (and ALWAYS win)... Blockbusters create history by breaking records created by prior blockbusters... A small budget film comes along out of nowhere and creates its own little record of sorts... Basically, the studios make the moolah!

Do I sound like I’m cynical about the whole thing? Well, I guess I am in a way, because people (or creatures as I like to call them) like Megan Fox become stars for no apparent reason except for their potty mouth’s and ‘I dress like a stripper because I want to’ act, thanks to a Spielberg movie that would create records with or without them in it... But sometimes that one exception comes along which makes it all OK.

Anyone reading this (and I know you are out there) would think this was another Harry Potter tribute... But it isn’t. This is about Iron Man... And now, Iron Man 2!

Actually, I guess it is a tribute to Jon Favreau. And of course, the great great Robert Downey, Jr.

I saw Iron Man 2 a little over 12 hours ago. And it rocks! It’s got enough star power to create a mini galaxy, with the likes of the delectable Sam Rockwell and the brooding Mickey Rourke as the baddies combating the amazing amazing Downey, Jr.

I always thought Rockwell hadn’t got his due, or hadn’t done enough, after a memorable ‘Charlie’s Angels’ performance and some praiseworthy work in ‘Confessions of a Dangerous Mind’. He’s hilarious as the unoriginal, unabashed and ever-bullshitting  ‘Justin Hammer’, the wannabe alter ego of the businessman ‘Tony Stark’.  

Mickey Rourke has carved a bit of a niche for himself, what with the comeback and all that Oscar glory, and he doesn’t disappoint! ‘You lose...’ he states flatly, as numerous Iron Man clones light up around him waiting to explode... Classic Hollywood! And the accent adds the perfect touch...

Don Cheadle, Scarlett Johansson, Samuel L. Jackson, all add to the roster and do their cute small bits. Being a non-comic book junkie, I had to ‘wiki’ The Avengers, S.H.I.E.L.D, Black Widow and Nick Fury to understand their context in the movie, but I’m guessing most American audiences won’t have a problem with that. Adds to the fun, I say! Gwyneth Paltrow though is a little jaded, and I wish the kissing scene between her and Downey, Jr. was slightly more exciting...

And now comes my favorite part, the praise for Robert Downey, Jr... He really struck a chord with me years ago when I watched him court Marissa Tomei in ‘Only You’... Man, can that guy make making out look yummy on screen!!! Uhmm... OK, I’m digressing...  

Anyways... I have to say that the sequel doesn’t give him the opportunity to shine the way he did in the first movie... Even so, WOW! He’s witty, sad, adorable and infuriating... Not to mention, arrogant, brash and super cool! He just gets it right every time... Watch the movie for him and the rest will be a throw in. And did I mention he was amazing???

And as for Jon Favreau... He hasn’t surpassed the original, which was several notches above most Hollywood superhero films in general, but he manages to create something that definitely is ‘up there’ with the memorable ones. And don’t miss him being adorably self-deprecating in a scene as Stark’s chauffeur who kicks a guy’s ass, only to look up and notice that Scarlett has got about a dozen of them down in the meantime... Plus, its just hilarious when the director of a movie looks at a female star in costume and asks ‘What are you wearing???’

Tongue in cheek humour, a fab star cast, and the ever dependable and wonderful leading man make this a sweeeeet weekend fest... As the Chick’s on Flicks would say, ‘Catch it’! And while you are at it, rent a couple of Downey, Jr. movies and catch Iron Man on HBO...  

Irony

My Name is Khan may not be released in Mumbai. 

This is a city that has lived through political riots, terrorist attacks and bombs exploding on trains. And yet, a movie about a man and a woman overcoming the scars of terrorism cannot be released, because a party that was shamed by another party wants to regain their leverage by causing mayhem.

I would like to see this film, because I adore Shah Rukh Khan, a true superstar and a witty man who has slogged his way to the top. He has not taken lives to get where he is today, or been born to a powerful papa. And he deserves every bit of stardom that comes his way. He is the one who the world will never forget. The goons are as expendable and irksome as the polluted waters of Mumbai. 

Perhaps an upstanding citizen and tax payer is of no importance to those who survive on their taxable incomes. Perhaps a commercial movie cannot be released without sharing it with the 'might is right' clan seeking their blessings and bowing down to vandals. Perhaps we are constantly under attack, if not by terrorists, then by politicians who think their destinies will be fulfilled by bullying, beating and raising their voices. 

Perhaps we are not ready for democracy. 

You are not an idiot Chetan!

Dear Chetan,

Happy New Year!

How are you? Hope all is well!

On the occasion of 3 Idiots becoming the biggest hit this year, I would like to take some time out to congratulate you for your contribution to this blockbuster. So here goes...

Congratulations. 

Uh, thats it... I'm done. Oh, wait, were your expecting more? Ok, here we go again...

Hey, congrats dude... We knew you could do it!!!! 

Still not satisfied??? Are you serious Chetanooo??? After all, you weren't IN the movie yaar!

And honestly, I don't think you should want more... You got your money and I'm sure lot of people will now go out there and buy your book also. It might be an okay attempt at writing and slightly overhyped just because you are an Indian author in India (and there aren't too many who have shot to fame like you for no apparent reason), but now people will go and buy it and read it, just to figure out HOW similar the movie is after all! Yes, most people are that stupid! 

I for one realized immediately what you were trying to do, and all I can say is shame on you Chetanoo! Sour grapes??? Et tu, Brutus??? Just because you got paid a 6 figure amount (post TDS deduction) and the movie is going to make an astronomical amount of money, now you are feeling jealous Chetanoo??? 

You must admit that if the movie had been copied page by page from the book ,it would not have been that great. You and I have both read the book, and we both know that there is no Rancho in it who likes to give lectures on how to lecture and bathes in the garden because he is secretly Chotu, the Maali's son... or Funsuk Wangdu who teaches his students how to give electric shocks to people who try to pee in public places... or Chatur Ramalingam whose balatkaar speech will be on You Tube for centuries to come... Or chashmish Kareena in a wet sari asking Aamir why Gujju food has such dangerous names (hilarioussss)... Or the slightly ridiculous Mona Singh delivering a baby on a ping pong table... And that 'Aaall is Well' they keep doing is not there also na in your book... Don't lie haan now! And all these things are making the movie a blockbuster... Not the fact that these are engineering students. That is just a starting point. 

Actually I am getting a little upset now Chetanoo. You wrote an average book, got more praise than you deserved, got all these movie contracts, met superstars who you could have taken some dressing tips from and even non-readers know your name now. Then why try to be an idiot? Were you a lonely child that no one played with? Or are you trying to be like Chatur from the movie and just jump onto the bandwagon when the going is good??? Why take Raj Kumar Hirani's credit away from him? He is a nice Sindhi man who has made happy movies, and this time, even though the dominating Aamir's handiwork is obvious in some scenes, he has still managed to give us something far more endearing and valuable than anything else that we have seen this year. 

Truth be told, your book was funny and good, but not great. The movie is great, though not awesome as some people are saying (because some pre-meditated and cued Aamir has gotten mixed into natural and effortless Hirani). But you must understand that a great movie in India will do exponentially more business that a good book. That is obvious. You want more? Become a director I say! Actorrr, I don't think your kurtas and chubby cheeks will work in today's packaging obsessed movie business... So avoid.  

Tell me something Chetanoo... Do you need a hug? Or mummy to tell you that you are the best? Or did someone put you upto this? These Bollywood types are trying to discredit each other all the time. Don't get caught in their trap. 

So my advice to you Chetanoo... Don't be stupid and try to become an idiot. You represent the 5 Point Someone. Remember? The book you wrote? Want to tell the easily convinced media desperately in need of a story about your book, instead of telling them about the movie that was copied from your book that you didn't get enough importance for? Maybe someone in the media will give you a hug... They can do anything nowadays... Just don't be an idiot and tell them to shut up. They don't like it.  

Best regards,

Me. 

Ajab Prem v/s Amar Prem: Beating the flop

Once there was a boy named Raj. He was just like any other boy who liked to play with his toys and eat his mother's cooking... and dirt when no one was looking. Just like his name, he was quite tiny, but true to his last name, he dreamed big. His last name was Santoshi.  

There's a middle name in there somewhere but it's as banal as 'Kumar'... Oh wait, it is Kumar!

Now that I have wasted TWO WHOLE PARAGRAPHS on a dude's name, I think I'll move on, because, as usual, there is a purpose.

2009 has not been a great year for me as a lover of the talkies. It's been one disappointment after another, and it's almost as if all the promising directors from just a few years ago, or even last year, have gotten up from their chair, and taken a walk. Little Raj is one of them.

Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani (and I'll only type this once) is a movie set in a make believe town with a talking statue and a Filmcity-like studio backdrop. There's a guy and a girl who have much in common - goodness, love of God, vegetarianism, a stutter, and so on. They're like totally MFEO (I say to myself, pretending for a second that I'm Paris Hilton)! ICK!

Anyways, the plot is the same. There are parents, politicians, henchmen, not to mention 40 year old men, playing buddies to Ranbir. This is what really gets me though... Why are there scenes that the director just puts in to remind you of the fact that he is indeed the same guy who made Andaz Apna Apna??? I mean, we already know that, and it's why we're watching this crock of s*^t! 

You go in thinking that the guy who has made Ghayal, Damini and AAA (hands down, one of the funniest movies of all time) will have something up his sleeve. But no, you are given the same stale staple that has drowned the fate of many a film this year. It's all accessorizing, packaging, prettying... But the box is empty. Imagine getting a beautifully gift wrapped box, ribbon and everything, that you open up, only to find a vacuum inside it! How painful! First the build up, and then the absolute pain of disappointment! 

Here's the shocker though... AAA is one of those amazing classics, that in it's time was a flop in spite of the star cast. It was way ahead of its time, just like 'Mera Naam Joker'. As the years passed, it became a cult classic, and a definite entry on any Hindi film watcher's top 10, or at least top 20. I think it was one of those unintentional sixers, that took a while, but went straight out the field!

APKGK... It is clear that the director is trying to make an AAA, with a love angle. He doesnt succeed, but the film is a hit! Awhhh that Ranbir is so funny, oohhh that Kat is just sooo pretty... Maybe it is a generation thing, but I don't get it...

I noticed that even Love Aaj Kal, which I thought was crap, was liked by a lot of other people. And so was Ghajini. And so was Wanted. I think the bar is falling... It's almost as if it is OK to make a mediocre film if there's enough good songs in it, and well dressed protagonists and a few punchlines. When did this happen? Have we lost the plot or have our films? It is a mad mad world where excellence gets a bah! bah! and mediocrity a rah! rah!

Too many questions, no answers... Just a frustrated and saddened individual with drooping shoulders walking away from a movie hall after spending generously on tickets, caramel popcorn, half a 12 ounce glass of coffee (that should be filled a little more by the way) and overpriced bottled water... 

Instead, sit at home and watch 'Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist'. It's sweet, it's funny, it's cool... And it's worth the build up! That's a lot more than can be said for Indian cinema this year... Even if 'born with it-it's in his blood-superstar' Ranbir is kick ass and can do imitations of Shammi Kapoor and Charlie Chaplin (ek hi picture mein!!!). He needs something to rise to, you know, and so far, there's been no challenges. 

Love Aaj Nahin

Or better yet, Lacklustre Aaj Kal.

I like the second title better because it's a blanket statement... Not just in reference to one film. It says 'I don't know what is going on with 2009, probably with the lowest count of good Hindi movies, ever since the 80's'.

It means that I have not seen a single 'fantastic' or 'great' or even 'good' movie since 'Dev D'. And nothing 6 months before or after worth talking about. 'Dostana' was OK I guess, but it wasn't anything to take home with you. And that too, only once you made your peace with the fact that it was supposed to be stupid.

It means that all these movies that come out prostitute the media so beautifully that they actually get away with multiple stars or just a couple, when all they deserve is a shrug as you walk past disappointed... Again. What is it with the Hindi film industry? These so called 'directors' give one 'superhit' and then get so caught up in trying to promote themselves and their next movie, they forget to make the movie. I guess I should have seen it coming once Aamir Khan sold out and made Ghajini, probably one of the worst hits of all time in the history of world cinema. It's no surprise then that we kept trying to claim 'Slumdog Millionaire' for ourselves!

I went for Love Aaj Kal last night and I have to say, the media is just full of ridiculous liars! I read somewhere that the dialogues are good. THEY SUCK! This film hinges on the phrase 'Mango People'. It's the lifeblood of the film, desperately trying to keep it together. And yet, the joke is delivered without any build up and not funny. That's not all! The last song with the end credits has this huge lit up sign reading 'Mango People' right next to 'Pratigya'. What the hell?

I also read that Saif was really good in the movie. I think they substituted the word 'old' for the word 'good' everywhere. Least they could have done is caught onto a younger chap to deliver the silly dialogues.

And what is with the repetition? Are we stupid? Can we not retain information obtained from a dim-witted 3 hour movie? The scenes and dialogues are constantly repeated practically word for word. If I hear the word 'logical' again, I might shoot myself.

And what happened to the Imtiaz Ali that we love? Is there some kind of quicksand that sucks these guys in and replaces them with idiots? How could he do this after 'Socha Na Tha' and 'Jab We Met'? I'm just going to assume someone put a gun to his head.

FINALLY, did Neetu Kapoor really have to show up in the end? I mean, really? Only Karan Johar should be allowed to get away with crap like that!

Please spare us the bullshit! We tend to expect less in any case, knowing it's a Hindi movie we are paying for, but did you have to make me pay Rs.500 bucks for 2 tickets to a Mangofest? At least, give me a couple of Alphonsos to take back!

My Harry Potter

This post is so titled because of all that the HP series has meant to me... J.K. Rowling might have revolutionized the concept of reading and have become one of the richest women in the world, but to me, she is someone who has given us Harry.

I started off reading the books much later than the rest of the world, getting a dirty look here and there for being the most clueless muggle of all time. In fact, I think I saw the first movie on HBO having nothing better to do that night, liked Daniel Radcliffe and the then-Albus Dumbledore Richard Harris, and proceeded on to ravage the books...

Last night I saw the 6th instalment of the films, Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince. The act was preceded by months of waiting, rereading books 1,6 and 7 multiple times, renting movies 3,4 & 5 and cursing Warner Brothers for postponing the movie's release from November 2008 to July 2009 just so they could make more money from it.

Today, I sit here writing this and I am happy to say that this film is not just a 'version' of the book, it is sort of like a tribute, and not a bad one. It dares to introduce additional matter not even in the book, and delete the portions that might be considered of extreme importance. My personal favorite is the one where Rufus Scrimgeour (not even in the movie) tries to convince Harry to play PR Agent for the Ministry of Magic and when refused, accuses him of being Dumbledore's man through and through. Later, Harry relates this incident to the eccentric headmaster, acknowledging that he was indeed Dumbledore's man, and the two sit in each other's awkward presence, uncomfortable because of the young boy's earnest confession of his love for his teacher, rendered teary-eyed by the simple admission.

The penseive trips are limited, and not all of Voldemort's memories collected by Dumbledore are shown, nor are the elves Kreacher & Dobby, or Harry's annoying relatives who Dumbledore gives a piece of his mind to much to my delight. But what you do get to see is a sometimes goofy, sometimes awkward, sometimes 'comfy as home' relationship between Harry and his two best buddies, blossoming love between Harry & Ginny & Ron & Hermione, Horace Slughorn's character amazingly projected by Jim Broadbent and a brooding Malfoy, who is truly in some deep trouble with the Dark Lord! The film is dark, hormone-ridden and neatly put together as a stand alone piece of work, though well connected to the previous films. The opening sequence where Harry stands with Dumbledore in front of hundreds of photographers pulls you in right away.

I don't see why this movie wasn't released last November as it's not your typical wham-boom-bang summer movie anyways. There's some action, yes, but it's boldly sidelined by some genuine acting and very engaging scenes. In any case, it's bound to work it's magic yet again and lead triumphantly onto the next two films.

The magic is in this... Harry Potter is just a boy. He's had an unhappy childhood, and sometimes does things (read 'magic') without knowing why. He's lonely and clueless about who he is and where he comes from thanks to his moronic uncle and aunt. Yet, one day, he finds out that he has a place in the world after all, albeit a different one. And slowly but surely, he goes on to earn the success and praise, which he was born into without understanding why. Along the way, he learns some very precious lessons, about the importance of certain magical acts, about leaving the past behind, about loyalty, about eventuality and about bravery. And in the end, he learns how to audaciously ask the devil himself to try and feel remorse.

It is the fact that he would rather face his archenemy in a graveyard where his friend has just been killed, that saves him, for his wand would never have met Voldemort's if he had tried to make a run for it. It is the lack of desire for glory that makes him give Godric Gryffindor's sword to his best friend Ron to destroy the third horcrux, for only the person who finds the sword must use it against the enemy. It is his sense of loyalty that makes him dig a grave for Dobby, a mere house elf to many, but an old friend to Harry, that makes a sceptical goblin decide to help a mere human break into an institution of his own people. It is the fact that he walks towards death with his head held high, thinking of the last horcrux still left to destroy, that releases him from the torture of having a part of Voldemort's soul attached to his. Such is the nature of bravery. Such is the power of goodness. Such is the magic of Harry Potter.